Uuuuffff!! [sigh]

I, like lots of my other friends, have been keep asking to myself, "why am I being so negative these days..?". Though the the heart knows the answer, my mind says "I don't know".. I'm so pissed off with lots of things happening around me.. More than that, people around me also pissing me off!! The frustration goes real high these days.

When I see a crowd, it threatening me a lot.. It is very difficult to smile and have a casual talk with people when you are totally upset inside and your mind is bothered about something.. Man.. life sucks!! I'm telling you.. Life really sucks!! How long would you hold yourself up and act like you are able to handle the toughest times!! How long can you pretend like you are still a single piece of human when you are completely broken inside..!! It so real hard..

Well.. Guys, don't come and ask me 'why.. what happened.. are you alright.. blah blah..' after reading this post. If you read this post, just keep it within yourself.. I'm neither expecting any comments nor willing to get involved in discussion about the same.. [ God!! how rude I'm!! ] That said, I really wish this post gets unnoticed..

Recharged..

Going home (native) is good. The restlessness, frustrations, anger, sadness, disappointments, loneliness, out_of_mood thoughts everything just disappear when I see my mom and sisters. I feel relaxed. I feel lively. I feel recharged with energy. I feel good..

I was at home for the last two days. Spent complete two days just at home. I got into the house on Saturday morning from railway station and stepped out of home to catch my train back to Bangalore on Sunday evening. Two days I was inside my house. No computers.. No internet.. No outsiders.. No symptoms of noise, pollutions, traffic.. Was just enjoying my stay at home.. :)

This is too bad.. :-(

Recently I read a news that a 30 year old lady committed suicide because of poverty and abandoned 3 of her female kids who are less than 9 years old. Now the kids have become orphan since their daddy also abandoned their family long time ago. How can a mother leave her children to suffer like this and take a decision of escaping from all the responsibilities?

Those kids were earlier suffering from hunger and now they will suffer for love and support too.. When people know that they are suffering from poverty, why are they giving birth to more than one child. Just because she knows how to escape from this cruel world, she has done it.. But what about the kids who don't even know what suicide means..

Even a dog does everything it can to continue its survival along with its puppies. Why aren't these people adamant to fight for their survival.. This is too bad.. :-(

An old pal's call after several years..

I was hurrying to office and thats when my mobile phone started ringing. I looked at the display of the phone to know who was calling but only the numbers were displayed on the phone. So it is someone new, I thought. Or perhaps a old pal. I picked up the phone and said, "hello..!"

"Is this Paul..?", a male voice on the other side inquired.

"Yes.. It is..", I was quickly searching my memory cells to see whether I am finding a match for the voice I'm hearing.

"Do you know someone named Ashok..?", he asked.

"I know lots of Ashok..? Which Ashok are you talking about?", I said. I really know lots of Ashok. I was really puzzled of the voice I was hearing. I couldn't make out who it was.

"Ashok.. A friend of your friend Karthick.. Karthick from Trichy", he started giving me clues.

Well.. Honestly I knew lots of Karthick's too.. That too lots of Karthick from Trichy. I said, "well.. I know lots of Karthicks from Trichy too. I am really sorry for not able to recognize you.. Could you give me little more details..?', I asked. At the same time, I was thinking very fast to see whether the Karthicks I know in Trichy has any link with anyone named Ashok. But I couldn't think of anyone.

"Ada paavi.. avlo periya aalaayitiyaa..? Karthick-a kooda maranthitiya..?", he immediately switched to Tamil. [ "oh.. You have become that big guy ah.. you even forgot Karthick.." ]

Now I got a match in my memory cells for the voice that has similar flow of Tamil.. I immediately asked, "Is it Ashraf..?"

"Then who else am I talking about.. I have been telling that it is Ashraf. Honestly tell me, how many Ashraf's do you know.. you bugger!!", he got into local Tamil slag.

"Sorry buddy, there had been a confusion. Whenever you were pronouncing Ashraf, I was hearing it as Ashok. Thats why.. I know only one Ashraf dude.. you knew it..", I said. I was happy to hear his voice. We talked for a while then.

It had been more than three and half years since we talked over phone. I knew him through one of my close friends at school, named Karthick. He is Karthick's college mate. But when Karthick introduced him to me, we became good friends.. I even go to their house when I stayed in Chennai. It was more than 3 years back. Then I came to Bangalore and he went to Singapore. After that there were not much contact.

I felt happy about talking to him after a long time. I like that guy since he have been one of my good friends around. He said, "I'm in Bangalore now for some transition phase of my project and will be here for another week time, can we meet sometime tomorrow..?". I said, "yeah.. why not.. I will meet you at your hotel tomorrow evening.."

There are still lots of my good friends with whom I'm not in contact with. It is not that I don't take effort to contact them. I try to contact them sometime, but somehow I lost their phone numbers. They also didn't bother to get in touch with me, it seems. I am still in search of few of my friends in Orkut and Facebook.. It makes to feel good inside when you talk to your old pal after several years..

More than all of these, I sometime scared when some of my old pals call me after several years. They will expect me to remember their voice and will puzzle me to identify who they are. If I say, "no.. I couldn't..", they will take it personally. I don't know why they do that. They will start complaining that I forgot them and I didn't even took any effort to contact them. They would think that I intentionally forgot them or intentionally telling that I don't know them. They don't realize the fact that they also didn't contact me for several years.. Then the situation will become little uncomfortable.. But Ashraf is not one such guy. He understands. I know him and thats why I felt happy talking to him after several years.

Why do people take advantage of me..?

These days have been terrible. And they are continuing to be terrible :-( because I was not able to say 'no..' to certain people though what they are asking for is a lot more than what I could possibly give. I'm a completely different personality at business, who knows how to say 'no' whenever it has to be said. But in personal life, I'm opposite. I always find difficulty to say 'no' to those who are around me (that 'around' doesn't include dear ones; because I never want to say 'no' to them at any cost).

Few people are taking my emotional weakness for granted and they are ready to play their game as the way they want to. Just because I'm emotionally weak and kind, lots of people are misusing it. Even during extreme situations, they simply don't understand (or not even ready to understand) my side of explanation. For them, what they want needs to be done. No matter what my situation is or what kind of mental disturbance and torture I go through. They simply take things for granted.

I'm nowadays sick of these people. How long can I be a fool who keeps on bearing extreme disturbance of those people and the advantage that they take over me. Sometimes (in fact most of the times) the only way to let my frustration out is through blogs. I'm still weak. I'm not able to get the courage to tell them directly on their face as, "what you are doing is completely unacceptable..!!"

I don't know how long this is going to continue. Probably when I'm going to repel, its going to be a blast. I'm trying to be calm and patient as much as possible but few people are testing my patience to its extreme limit. I'm unable to accept the fact that they are making use of me just because I'm unable to reject their unfair requests outright.

These days have taught me so much. But how long I'm going to keep on learning without taking action based on what I have learnt. I'm still good may be because I still don't want to tell something on their face and hurt them. But that doesn't mean that I will continue to be so.

Surrounded happiness..

Confirmation of the train tickets, arrival of my friends, eagerly waiting family, doubled excitements and happiness :) :) All the signs are showing that the vacation is going to be nice and happy.. what else you want for a happy vacation.. I'm happy that the year is completing in a nice way..

On top of all these things, yesterday my friend surprised me with a gift.. A gift from my wishlists :-) Looks like Santa thought about me on this Christmas.. Happiness and excitements got tripled.. :) :) :)

Sometimes I do feel over excited.. Looks like this is one of those times.. I don't feel like working.. If I rule the whole world, I will order, "Set the clock to 6pm.. NOW..!!" :)

This year has become one of the unforgettable years for many reasons.. Both on the happier and sad sides..

Will write a lot after coming back from vacation.. Happy holidays to you all.. Enjoy the chilled weather, the lovely mists, the joy of the holidays, the moments of togetherness, the surrounded happiness.. 

Wishing you a merry Christmas..

Cheers!!

Waiting for vacation..

Eagerly looking for the holidays.. Moments like this always keeps me on my toes and makes me feel like 'why the clock is ticking so slowly'.. All of a sudden I feel like 'oh my God!! a second is such a big time..' :-)

It has been almost 2 months since I visited my mom and sisters.. I'm excited that I can spend quality time with my family and friends after a long time. All my friends would be coming to Trichy, so the excitation is more this time. The train ticket is not yet got confirmed. Still in waiting list. But I'm hoping that it would get confirmed. I'm not feeling like working today or tomorrow though my official vacation starts only by 24th [ Ok.. Ok.. I can hear your voices saying 'as though you work on other days'.. Sometimes you shouldn't be talking loud guys.. My manager might hear :D ]

Still 30 hours more to go.. I want the count down to go fast but it is taking its own time :-(

Hope you all are having good time during this holiday season.. Happy holidays.. Enjoy your time with your loved ones, family and friends.. Cheers!!

Moments of surprises..

Last week when I went to Trichy, my native, it was just two days after my birthday. I didn't celebrate my birthday with my family since I was in Bangalore at that time. When I went there, my mom and sisters wanted to give me a surprise. So they had invited few of my close friends to our home to celebrate my birthday. Though they tried to keep it a secret to surprise me, somehow I came to know about it. What they don't know is that I knew about it. My sisters had asked my friends to bring the Cake since that would be a surprise when they come home.

One of my sister's birthday was just a week back. We didn't celebrate her birthday either since not everyone of my family were available at Trichy during her birthday. So I wanted to give them a surprise while they are excited thinking that they are going to give me a surprise. So I called my friends and asked them to buy another cake having birthday wishes for my sister on it..

The time arrived and my family members were excited to see surprising happiness in my face while I was getting ready to see double excitement in my sister's face because of the surprise that I'm going to give her.

My friends came.. My sisters said to me, "we are celebrating your birthday, so only they have come.. and here is the cake".. There was no another cake that my friends have brought. I guessed something. My sister, whose birthday was just a week back, opened the cake and an immediate surprising smile and happiness started spreading in her face.. and she said aloud with surprise.. "hey.. my name is also there in the cake".. My mom and other sisters were smiling at each other..

I told her with a smile, "well.. we are celebrating your birthday too".. You can see how happy she is in the picture at the time of cutting the cake.. When you give surprise to someone who is thinking of giving you surprise, you can see that the excitement gets doubled :) and I saw that in my sister's face that day..

Moments of happiness :)

Yet another birthday, * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * :)

My special thanks to Asha, Bala, Srimathi, Lawrence, Cyril, Kavi, Dom, Dolphin, Maha, Jaibal, Princy, Anna Sebastian and Anni, Simi and his wife Sharmila and Deepthimai for remembering my birthday and wishing me happiness.. That is very nice of you..

As usual, my mom, sisters and brother-in-law never forgets my birthday and wish me all the very best for my life.. I'm very glad to have such a lovely family who loves me more than the words can describe.. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sometimes back, one of my friend asked me why I'm not disclosing my birthday in any of my social networking sites.. I smiled and said him that I'm interested in quality wishes rather than quantity :) Those whoever wishes me remembers my birthday by themselves instead of my notifications making them remember my birthday.. :) That way, I always feel that there are few people who still think about me and remember to wish me on my birthday..

Though the day has just been like any other day, the thoughtfulness of you all to remember my birthday and wishing me happiness made me to be even more happier today (the 5th November).. As I always say, you have become one of the reasons for my smile today :) Thank you all once again..

PS: Thanks to Preethi, Jayaram, Praba and Sangeetha for wishing me just a day after :) Though you missed the right moment by a day, your thoughtfulness made me happy :)

PPS: Special thanks to Arun, Prabhu, Jai and Baskar for coming home to celebrate my birthday.. Very nice of you :)

Pain killers..

When you go through tough times in your life, you really need someone who can ease your pain by hearing your problems, giving shoulder to cry and more importantly cheering you up.. You need people who can be pain killers for your tough time.. Medicines cannot ease those pains because the wounds causing the problem is not something that science can capture.. It's emotional feeling that gets hurt.. The heart's painful noises are never heard by anyone else except the person who is facing the pain..

Friends are the best pain killers for your tough time.. Though they cannot solve your problem, they can atleast give you a hug that can console you.. They are the ones who tell you "hey there is another door opened.. lets go that way.." when you are staring at the closed door and feeling so down, blinking your eyes thinking 'what am I going to do now'.. They can cheer you up.. They can make you stand.. They can help you to refill your energy.. They can show 'thumps up' and tell you 'go on.. i'm backing you..'!!

It isn't that easy to get friends who help you emotionally during your tough time.. I'm glad that I'm blessed with such few friends.. When I'm feeling like i'm going through hell, I'm seeing a rope falling down from the sky holded by my friends and hearing their loud voice telling me 'come on.. hold it.. quick.. let us pull you up..'

God is great :-)

Ended so soon :-)

I didn't think that this chapter will end so soon.. I'm so angry on the Author that He finished the chapter very soon when I hoping that there are lot more pages to go. I don't know why He decided to kill those characters whom I was eagerly looking forward in the upcoming chapters.

I know that the Author is well known for writing each and every chapter interesting irrespective of the characters appearing in that chapter. That makes me not to give up and tells me to go on further to read the upcoming chapters to see what is new and how the plot progresses.

But at this point, I'm filled with bit of disappointment and little emptiness, I think :-)

Some scene that bothered me...

Yesterday I was travelling in a train from Trichy to Bangalore. It was nearing midnight. My train stopped near a level crossing for a while. I glanced outside the window. The plants were dancing slowly in the gloomy night. I looked through the window on the other side. There was another train standing on the next parallel railway track. A little more than middle aged lady sitting near the toilet doors of a compartment in the other train got my attention. Her face was filled with sorrow and sadness.

Her hair was not combed properly.. Her face had lost the happiness.. Her dress was little dirty. Her appearance itself said that she was into deep sorrow and having an aimless journey.. Her eyes expressed lots of unspoken sadness. I dont know why, but I felt pity for her. I wished I could go, sit near her and ask, 'Why so sad?? You can share your sorrow with me if you think that it can make you feel light hearted!!'

In a short while, the train started moving.. So am I with a little heavy heart!!

Feeling restless...

I dont know.. but I have been feeling restless since yesterday!! Not able to say 'why'.. but it is just that some thoughts in the center of head is bothering me!! Blood is facing a little high pressure..

Feeling a kind of emptiness even though I have been talking to lots of friends.. A little tensed.. Not feeling hungry.. A slight headache now and then.. Seems that I'm really stressed a lot these days!! Somehow feeling that I'm wasting my times which I could otherwise spend on some technical preparations. Mixed thoughts about career and personal are flashing over and over again in my mind. It looks like I really need a break. May be in the form of making myself completely concentrating on something else.

Desparately waiting for this weekend. May be I can have some nice time with my mom and sisters!!

Letter to one of my nice friends..

Dear ******,

Well.. I dont know how to start but.. I just wanted to let you know that you have been a nice friend to me these days. I know that we might not be in touch as frequently as we were sometimes back.. My inner sense somehow says that we might not even get a chance to talk in future.. I dont know whether that is because of the situations that you are in or because of some intentions that you are upto or both. Because you have been showing some behavioral changes these days. The charming that you showed towards our friendship sometimes back is missing now a days.

I say this because somehow I started feeling that you were not like before, especially after our long conversation the other night. My senses somehow says that a gap started there and now it had gone to a greater extend, which makes me feel that it can never be bridged :-) It is not the ego that is stopping me from trying to resume the same level of friendship, it is just that I want to respect the decisions that you are taking. If I don't support what you are upto, then what is the point in being a friend. You are like a butterfly whose presense can make people smile and happy. I cannot be selfish to think just about my happiness and try to hold you back. So whatever the decisions that you are taking, I'm fine with that.

In whatever the case, I just wanted to let you know that I was very happy to be your friend even though it was a short period of time. I don't know whether someone ever told you how nice you are who can keep people around happy. Thanks for being so nice to me. I cherished your friendship. I felt happy whenever I was talking to you.

Not everyone becomes a reason for someone's smile. Only very few people makes others smile and happy. You are one such person. You had been a reason for my smile on few of these days. I am glad that I am given a chance in life to talk to one such person. Your nice and charming character has always made me happy. Good things about a person has to be told especially when they are there, not when they are gone. That is the reason why I am writing this.

I wish you all the best for everything. Have a nice and happy life.. Cheers :-)

Some diversions...

Nowadays I'm into some sort of diversion.. Not able to concentrate properly on anything.. Well, that doesn't mean that I'm in love :-) So don't starts thinking in that line. Something is keeping my mind busy.. bothering me a lot. I cannot really say what exactly is bothering me (my inner sense tells me 'dont say lie..' while typing this statement [grin]) .. But I'm worried about something that is constantly spinning in the back of my mind.

I know that i'm simply passing my times so often without doing anything useful. I'm finding very difficult to bring back my concentration. Might be, writing this post could become 'the break' i'm wanting to bring me back to normal :-) That is one of the reason why I'm writing this :-)

Whenever something is bothering you, you say it aloud. Share it with someone. Discuss about it with a nice friend. Tell it to the nature. Just express it by any means. You will start feeling light hearted. You can see that you are slowly coming out of that stress that have been bothering you. You can feel that you are no longer into that emotional battle. You can see that your mind gets cleared with fresh thoughts. You might even start thinking that whatever was bothering you is silly.. You might even laugh at yourself that 'I just cannot believe that such a silly thing was bothering me'..

Whenever something is bothering, expressing it explicitly can really help to get over it. Instead of keeping it inside your mind and constantly worrying about it, just share it with someone or express it by some means. You can see that you are out of it. You are back to normal :-) Am I??? Well, I have to wait and see ;-)

Emotionally upset..

Though I try to be a practical person most of the times, certain situations really makes me emotionally upset. Especially those situations that puts my loved ones in pain. When my dear ones suffer, it makes me feel emotionally upset even though I still take practical decisions to handle the situation.

More than the problems, what worries me a lot is the emotional sufferings that my dear ones go through. The stress that I undergo because of such situation is terrible.. It is always easy to deal with any situation if that just involves you. Especially when you are matured enough to take things easily. But if the same happens to your dear ones, God!! its terrible. Because you are always ready to take the pain, but when you see your loved ones suffer, you just cannot take it. Especially when they are not matured enough to take things easily. It just puts you under lots of pressure and stress to ease the pain. But when the problem is not under your control, what else can you do other than hoping for something good to happen. All you can pray to God is to give them the strength to handle the pain..

And, that is the kind of situation I'm in now. Today I'm emotionally very upset.. :-(

Some unexpected thrills...

It was a Saturday night and I was so bored to sit at home. I called Jaibal whether he can come along with me to a movie. There is a small theater near by, so we decided to go there and watch whatever the movie that is being screened. After a while, Jaibal told me that he had asked his friends to take the tickets, so we can go on time to theater.

When we went there, I saw two of his friends waiting there at the entrance. I noticed that lots of crowd at the ticket counter since it was Saturday night. It looked like it was not just me who was bored. When we approached the door, one of his friends told to the gate-keeper (who is checking the tickets to let people inside the theater), “they are my friends only, let them in…” Then the gate-keeper allowed us inside. Neither of his friends was holding the tickets. I asked them with surprise, “where are the tickets?”. They laughed and told, “We cannot go and stand in queue to get ticket. I have given some money to the gate-keeper, that’s all”. He grinned.

Even after the movie started, I was restless. I was thinking, ‘What if the others know that we don’t have ticket. The gate-keeper got the money so he let us in, but what if they come and check the tickets now??’ I asked Jaibal, “what if they caught us without ticket?”. He smiled and told, “Just enjoy the risk, and don’t think too much of what will happen… If you are in, you are in. That’s all… Enjoy the moments like this, you won’t get such moments later!”

He was somehow right that I won’t get such moments later, because I won’t even think of going without ticket. But it was a thrilling experience that I had on that day. It was a great fun watching the movie with them. Making comments for each and every scene, screaming, shouting, laughing… It was a great fun! In between, Jaibal’s friends were shouting like “we are the only one to watch movies without tickets… can anyone do it”… They were shouting like anything. But thank God! The sound of the movie suppressed their voice.

Nevertheless, I was so thrilled to watch the movie in that way. It was a great fun! Don’t ask me which theater and which gate-keeper… I wont tell names :D

feeling lonely...

Nowadays I terribly feel the loneliness. I don’t know why, but most of the times I feel like I don’t have a close friend. A friend, with whom I can share all my cheers and tears, ups and downs… a friend with whom I can be myself and not thinking about “how will he react if I say like this or like that etc…”

Though I have few good friends, in fact I share lots of my personal matters with very few of them, but still I feel lonely. It may be because no one is staying closer to me to spend my times with.

Mostly when I think of with whom i can spend my free time with, my option would be empty. How long can I sit at my room, watching movies, reading some books, staring at the roads and trees from my terrace, walking here and there… It is just boring nowadays. How long can I try to keep myself busy so that not to feel loneliness…

Some feelings are not expressible. If you think of expressing it, you will get struck. But still you can feel the pain of those feelings inside you. Right now my mind is in a state like that…