Friday, June 29, 2007

Some disgusting people...

It was very early morning of a Saturday. The time was 1 AM. I was inside a bus at Salem bus stand. The bus stand was filled with lot of dull faces showing lack of sleep in their eyes... little boys and girls sleeping in the laps and shoulders of their mother... Few tea shop persons actively preparing tea and keep calling everyone whoever crosses the shop... Few prostitutes, with good makeup, actively roaming around the bus stand trying to catch some customers... Lot of people sleeping on the platforms using hands and some bags as their pillow... The bus stand was quite busy even at that time...

Just before the bus started, a guy came in with hands full of news papers and kept shouting "fresh morning news paper sir... just two rupees..." Initially i thought of not to buy but later i thought, 'it is just two rupees... may be some interesting news would be there to read to pass the time...' So i called him, gave him two rupees and bought one newspaper...

The guy next to me was well dressed and he kept looking at me and the newspaper at my hand... The bus started moving, reached the main road and started speeding towards Trichy... Everywhere i look through the window was so dark with some sparkling brightness here and there... The images of the trees on both sides of the roads are moving so fast as dark shadows... The cold wind was blowing all over my body through the window and forcibly making the hairs to dance...


I always enjoy my travel and won’t prefer to sleep during journey except the return journey when i got to go to work on the next day morning... So mostly when going to Trichy, i prefer taking connecting buses instead of direct bus. I enjoy watching things around me, getting down at bus stands to change bus, having a tea in the bus stands at busy nights etc...


I started reading the newspaper... There was a cover story about recently released movie "shivaji" in which rajnikanth (one of the star actor) is acting the lead role... I was quite interested to read it... I found it difficult to read the newspaper because of the forcibly flowing air through the window. Also there is no space to freely open the newspaper and read... I read it for just very few minutes then i carefully kept on my lap thinking of reading it few minutes later... I didn't want to fold it like zigzag... I wanted it to be fresh until i reach Trichy, so that my sisters can read it...


The moment i stopped reading, the guy next to me asked, "Can i read it..." I don't know why, but i really got irritated when he asked my newspaper to read, especially even before i read it completely... I definitely wouldn't have got irritated if i know him earlier. He was just a stranger and he knows that i bought it just few minutes back, and i kept it carefully because of not able to read since wind was coming in from all over the direction. Though my inside mind was saying, "you stupid, don't you know that you should not ask me before i read it completely...", my head reacted like "ok... take it"... I really wanted to say "no" but by habit i said "yeah... no problems"... and i gave the newspaper to him...


I was wondering inside, 'what a person he is'... 'doesn't he know any manners of not to ask anything that others bought even before they use it... the newspaper was just two rupees... an expense less than what you spent for a single tea... if he is so much interested to read the papers, why can't he buy one...' I was really angry, especially when he started folding my papers like the way he wants as though he bought it... I was at my peak tension... but i couldn't show it explicitly because of how we have been taught to behave in public when we grew up...


When the bus conductor came, he opened his purse and i could see few 500 rupees and lot of 100 rupees etc in his purse... Some people are very careful about how they spent (even they care about two rupees), but never hesitate to ask something what others bought and never think to take care of what they borrowed... They won't even think about 'won't they mind if we ask, they may plan to read it few minutes later etc...' They never hesitate to use others things... They don't care whether we use whatever we bought, but they want to use it... His behavior was very much disgusting...


But there was a problem on my side too... I should have told "no, i don’t want to give until i complete reading..." But because of the way we brought up, we always hesitate to say 'no' when someone asks something... I think, we should learn to say 'no', when our mind says to do so... I was so much irritated because of one main reason that the news paper was "just" two rupees... 'When he could afford it, why doesn't he buy one if he is very much interested in reading newspaper...' Anyways, that was one of the very much irritating experience i had while i was traveling...

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Express what you feel...

It was a Sunday evening... My cell phone started ringing when I was riding my bike... Since I am in the learning phase of bike riding, I was very much concentrated on the road, traffic, gears and brakes... So I didn't pickup the phone thinking to call back whoever called me... After a thrill drive on the crowded traffic, I reached home and saw the mobile to know who called me...

I mostly will get calls from ICICI or HDFC kind of banks for free credit cards or pre-approved personal loans or some wrong persons calling "hello ramasamy irukara..." for which my answer would be "he just left to New York in the morning flight..." and hang the phone... But this time my missed call list showed one of my very close friend's name...


I called him back and instead of hearing "hi.. how are you?", I just heard his angry voice saying, "hey what are you doing da... forgot everyone over here ah...? I am in extreme angry on you"... Not only were his words choleric but also his voice...


I replied with a smile,"hey nothing like that da... its just that I have been kind of busy..." I know that was a lame excuse... I never believe, people saying 'I couldn't get time to call you since I had been dumped up with lots of work...' I always wonder, "don't they get a minute between the breaks to call his friends and say 'hi buddy... sorry couldn't talk for a long time since I am busy but wanted to say hi'... Won't they get few moments just to say a 'hi' at least..." Definitely you can call friends and family to say a 'hi' and talk to them for few minutes irrespective of how busy you are... Busy, work tension blah blah blah never matters...


Though I know everything, I didn't have any other reason to say other than "sorry buddy… I have been quite busy..." I know why he was angry on me... He was not feeling well for the past few days... He was severely suffering from illness... but I couldn't get sometime to call him and ask how he was... He clearly expressed how disappointed he was for not hearing my voice asking his wellness.


When he said, "I was surprised why you didn't call me even though you know I am not feeling well... that is not the Paul whom I know..." I really respected his feelings and in fact, I am glad that he called me and said that he was angry and disappointed in me for not showing care towards him (instead of keeping that in mind and showing his disappointment in some other way like not speaking properly or something like that). I liked him for being frank to express what he felt...


A relationship is successful when you are comfortable to express how you feel... it doesn't matter whether you are happy, sad, glad, angry, disappointed, excited, motivated, depressed etc... When you are able to express what you feel with someone, then you have a very healthy and successful relationship. For a lasting relationship, this is really important.


I am glad that I have few close and good friends with whom I have such a lasting relationship... Expressing how you feel in a nice way always helps to reduce the gap and increases the affection between two... And I felt that during the moments of talking to my friend on that Sunday...

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Enjoying my loneliness...

It was a lovely evening I spent in my new house... I can't really say that it is a house since it just contains a room with attached bath on the third floor of the building... I just changed my place of stay since I didn't find parking space for my bike in the place where I stayed earlier. The new place was quite wonderful with cool wind coming in all the directions and of course all the times... A long neat and nice terrace with lovely atmosphere... Very calm (like you can hear the sound of shower of the house that is around 100 feet away - don't look at me like that... I just told this example to express how calm it is... I didn't see anything [ smiles ])...

It was really nice watching the wonderful surroundings which looked like a kind of a nice and calm island in the middle of the crowded and messed up city... The environment was very much thought provoking... The house owner is a charming personality not like my earlier owner... So no disturbance of any kind which gives a kind of environment where you feel you are left alone with a pleasing and a lovely atmosphere... I started enjoying my loneliness... It gives a kind of feel to revisit some of my goals which I didn't pay attention by simply saying 'I am busy... not having a good environment to carry on... not a good time now..' etc kind of stupid reasons... Let’s see how it goes...

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Sometimes...

It had been long time since I updated my Blog... Things are going pretty busy... Lot of times I have thought about writing some posts in my blog... in fact, I have also started quite a few but didn’t get time to complete them.

Sometimes I think a lot why I am into this profession, which keeps me very busy most of my time, which isolates me from what is happening around me in the society, which always interrupts my personal times not to spend freely, which keeps my mind think always about projects, issues, meetings, etc and not about my friends and family, which hardly gives me chance to think about calling my friends and spending my times with them... Sometimes I hate this job though it is (or may be 'was') my dream...


I used to think a lot during my school days 'won't it be so great to be a software engineer... creating new software’s, technologies used by lot of people... living a hi-fi life... etc'... But later during these days, when I call my family and hear my mother and sisters' voice over phone saying, "it has been so long since we saw you... we have been expecting eagerly to see you... can you come over this week???"... Whenever I hear those words, I immediately plan to go to my native, but immediately I will hear my boss's voice saying, "Paul... can those defects be fixed within this weekend since we have a release next week..." or something like "we have a very high priority issue coming up on our way so we may have to work hard this weekend to fix that...", which will spoil all my plans and I may have to stay back to fix those problems by that week... Whenever my boss says like that, i will look at him with a slight smile, and then he will immediately say, "only this weekend"... When he says that, i will laugh, then he will smile and will correct his statement, "yeah... this weekend too..." He knows that "only" this weekend is a big comedy...


Whenever I feel that my family would be disappointed for not seeing me this week too, I hate this job... but on the other hand, this job gives me lot of money and facility which helps me to keep my family in a comfortable position and to satisfy all their needs... to help someone in needs... get whatever my loved ones want... Whenever I fulfill the dreams and desires of my loved ones, or buy something they love the most, I can see a fulfilled smile and happiness on their face... At those moments, I love this job...


This profession is all about losing something to gain something else... But yet sometimes things we lose are invaluable than something that we gain... This life is all about balancing and i am trying to deal it in the best way i can but yet sometimes... [ smiles ]